Gossip gone wild: why being a gossip limits your career

Dear Hot Water,

Your last line “How should I play this?” is where I’m going to start. I sense from your question, that you see office politics as a game – and that you’d like to be able to play it to your advantage.

So that’s where I’ll focus my advice. Not surprisingly (given that I’m the creator of the game-book, Dear Office-Politics) I like to view office politics as a game. And just like all games, this one has rules (mostly unwritten), strategies, power plays, opposing teams, a scoreboard, and ultimately winners and losers.

But as in sports, you don’t need to play dirty to win. You can choose to play fairly. I believe that political skills are an essential life skill that can help you influence people, make change happen, sell your good ideas, and move into a position of power so you can do the right thing.

Ok. So what does this have to do with your immediate issue of gossip gone wild? Inadvertently you broke an important rule. You’ll need to change your tactics if you want to play the game well – and by “well,” I mean ethically, and intelligently.

The office politics rule you broke is verbal discipline.

What’s that? Verbal discipline is the savviness to know that some things that pop into your head (like gossip) should never be said. Speculating on what your coworker Bob is doing during his free time is a perfect example. You thought it “wasn’t going to go past the room” but unfortunately it did – it flew right into Bob’s ears, and now you’re suffering the fallout of that verbal gaffe.

Whose fault was it that Bob caught wind of your gossip? Was it the person who heard your gossip and passed it on – or was it yours, for spreading gossip about him?

I’m going to guess that you lacked verbal discipline in this instance because the skill has never been properly explained to you. Perhaps no one has told you how gossip could ruin your career and limit your opportunities for advancement. They’ve just said, “Don’t gossip. It’s not nice.”

Certainly if you put yourself in Bob’s shoes, you would have known that your gossip would be hurtful and damaging. But judging from what you wrote, “this coworker has a bad temper and can be very mean,” you do not have a lot of empathy for Bob.

So, let’s look instead at this gossip issue strictly from your point of view – and your company’s. What’s the damage you’re doing to yourself and your career when you gossip?

Going back to my analogy about the sports team: If you were a team captain, would you want a player on the team who badmouths her fellow players? A player who is so unsportsmanlike that she kneecaps her teammates to prevent them from scoring goals? When you view gossip in that light, it looks really awful.

If I was the team captain (or your boss), I wouldn’t pick you. I need players who can work together and help each other score goals. I don’t need someone purposely whacking their teammate just so they can hog the glory of the goal for themselves.

Your gossip planted a seed of doubt about Bob’s character and motives in your coworkers’ minds. It chipped away at his reputation, with the consequence of reducing his status in the office (and thus hampering his ability to score goals and move up). You were exercising a form of power to influence what your coworkers think about Bob.

But is Bob really your competition? Or is your competition the business on the other side of the country that’s producing the same widget as yours?

To be successful in business you need to turn your thinking around. Your coworkers are your teammates not your competition. Even if you don’t like them, you need to respect them and play fair. Otherwise you’ll be seen as divisive. And won’t get picked for the important playoff games.

Ask yourself this: When your boss catches wind of your gossip (and what you really think about Bob) is she likely to suggest that you two should be on a work project together?

Nope. But let’s say, that the boss hasn’t heard anything. She goes to your coworkers (the ones you like) and asks whether you’re a good fit to work alongside Bob on an exciting new project. A pained look may cross their faces as they remember all the awful things you’ve said about him. They probably won’t reveal to the boss what you’ve said, but chances are your coworkers will express doubts about you working with Bob – because they know how you really feel about him.

So you haven’t just damaged Bob’s reputation. You’ve damaged your own. And cut off a career path that you might have enjoyed and profited from.

Does this mean you have to hide your true feelings about people? That you can’t express opinions honestly about your coworkers?

Nope. You can express opinions – but don’t do it secretly behind someone’s back. Show that person respect and tell them to their face what your issue is. Funny thing is – you may find that those “strong opinions” you shared so easily when they were gossip, are not things you want to say to someone’s face.

The other reason for practicing verbal discipline is that loose talk puts you in a box. Gossip makes it very difficult for you to change your opinion down the road. As you get to know Bob better, you may actually get to like him. But if you’ve told everyone how much you dislike him, you’ve effectively made him into an enemy, and we all know it’s an uphill battle to make friends out of enemies.

If everyone knows that you don’t like or respect Bob, they may go to great lengths to reduce friction. They won’t want you two on the same work projects, or on business trips or at office parties or conventions. Before you know it – there’s a hard line drawn around you. You may as well be wearing a big neon sign that says, “Warning! I’m not a team player. I carve up my teammates and cut them down to size.”

I know when I hear someone speak badly of someone, three red flags pop into my mind:

1. Why is she telling me this?
2. What’s her motive in damaging the other person’s reputation?
3. Would she speak about me this way, behind my back?

My conclusion? You owe Bob an apology. He may not accept it. But if you practice verbal discipline, and start thinking of your coworkers as teammates (and helping them score goals), you may just bring him around.

1. Would I say this to their face?
2. Will this exclude me from certain team projects?
3. Do I really want to make an enemy of them?
4. If he/ she spoke about me this way, behind my back, would I be upset?
5. What will their retaliation be? (e.g. Bob accusing you of gossip mongering.)

Those five questions may just help you to exercise a little more verbal discipline — and play the office politics game with integrity.

Good luck! I hope my reply helps you repair the damage, and move on to being an ethical and smart office politics player. Please send me an update on your progress! This could be a transformative moment in your career. If you work at it.

Thanks for writing to Office-Politics.

Franke