What tactics when I’m excluded from meetings?

Dear Office-Politics,

I’m new in an area with three other women managers. One of the managers has mentored the other two. As I come up with ideas, I review them with our manager and with each of my peers. When it comes time to make decisions on directions I suggest, I find out that the other three have held back office meetings and determined the outcome without including me. I’m told to partner with the other three but I end up being on the outside. What tactics can I take?

On-the-Outside

OFFICE-POLITICS REPLY BY DR. RICK BRANDON AND DR. MARTY SELDMAN

dr. rick brandon
dr. marty seldman

Dear Dear On-the-Outside,

Naturally, it’s impossible to know the true scoop without having more detail, since your optimal tactics depend upon what’s really going on: Are the three simply spending more time together due to prior friendships and therefore wind up “talking shop” that more innocently leaves you out, or does the mentor have a bit of an ulterior motive of wanting to see the people she mentors become more successful than others since it makes her look like she cultivates winners, or could there be more under-handed agendas at work in which they are purposely keeping you out of the loop to sabotage you? Why might this be? We suggest that you wrack your brain to find any possible way in which you may have alienated the three, perhaps unknowingly threatening them. If you are newer and come from a prestigious outside organization, they might resent you and feel the need to rise above you.

Regarding steps to take, we suggest you consider the following:

1) DOCUMENT TO PROTECT YOUR BRAINCHILD
If you’re concerned about ideas that you initiate not getting credited to you as a result, think of ways to “put your hand print on the ideas,” such as documentation, shopping the idea to others outside of the unit so if it flies, your name is associated. This could include emails that suggest that you four meet to discuss your idea. Describe the idea in a nutshell with its potential company benefit and keep these, even considering cc-ing your manager so he/she knows you are reaching out to the team. If there is, in fact, an invisible shield around them, it won’t be so invisible. You are making good faith efforts to partner without running to mommy or daddy to snitch, and without accusing the three of sabotage.

2) LOBBY YOUR IDEAS
In addition, should you be shopping your proposals more actively to others so that they are not a secret? Drop the names of people in power who like your approach, which might appeal to the clique if “insider appeal” is what attracts their favor.

3) DIRECT NON-BLAMEFUL COMMUNICATION
The quickest path between two points is a straight line, so AFTER the above tactics, consider the potential impact of approaching the three in a non-accusatory manner to express your desire for cooperation in a matter-of-fact way, casually mentioning that your manager has asked you to partner with them so that you love the opportunity to have a team discussion, so that your boss knows you’re not blowing off his request. Try to hint that he/she might even frown upon them if they leave you out, but tread lightly and be extremely subtle versus threatening, especially since you are not sure if their actions are intentional. They just might not realize that you are feeling like you’re in Corporate Siberia. Make a request for an agreement about this aspect of your working relationship.

4) IF YOU CAN’T BEAT ‘EM, JOIN THEM
If the other two, who are mentees to the mentor, is part of the motivation, you might request a mentoring relationship with the one senior manager, hoping that she will then feel compelled to include you. Also, have you been turning down requests to join the three socially? Can you now maneuver into opportunities for collaboration and/or interaction?

5) LAST RESORT
Naturally, if this escalates (or festers) into a you or them situation AND you are convinced they do not have your or the company’s interests at heart, you might consider playing hardball, talking to your boss, confronting the blocking behavior and letting them know it’s a fair expectation to be included as a peer. This is extremely risky, so do NOT jump here first and ONLY after building an alternative network to buffer you from their retaliation.

6) A RESOURCE
As I read your letter, I’m reminded of a bestselling book by an Oprah-veteran friend, Rachel Simmons. It’s called Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. Sound familiar? She writes insightfully about subtle forms of sabotage in schoolgirls and how it turns into workplace saboteurs in adult life. You might find some parallels and helpful “I’m not alone” relief and tips.

Of course, you need to make yourself an indispensable hero within the company to fully buffer yourself. We wish you well and let’s just be glad that they aren’t the ones voting for the Homecoming Queen. Our votes with you! Thanks for writing to Office-Politics.

Optimistically,

Good luck,

Rick Brandon, Ph.d. and Marty Seldman, Ph.D. Co-authors,
Survival of the Savvy: High-Integrity Political Tactics for Career and Company Success

Rick Brandon, Ph.d. and Marty Seldman, Ph.D. are Co-authors, Survival of the Savvy: High-Integrity Political Tactics for Career and Company Success. Dr. Rick Brandon is CEO of Brandon Partners. He has consulted and trained tens of thousands at corporations worldwide, including Fortune 500 companies across a variety of industries. Dr. Marty Seldman is one of America’s most experienced executive coaches. His 35-year career includes expertise in executive coaching, group dynamics, cross-cultural studies, clinical psychology, and training.Publication note: This letter was originally published in 2005. We are republishing the best letters from Office-Politics and integrating them with our blog format.

Stepped on by the Good Ole Boy’s and Hot Girl

Dear Office-Politics, I am so appreciative of your website. It is helping save my sanity. I work for a union, in which a new administration was just elected. My new boss has had an affair with my coworker and they are still "friends". We are a small office of 7, in which 4 new staff members have come in through this election, (all friends) with no prior office experience. The problem is the co-worker and new boss and staff are making life miserable for me. I am not part of the good old boys / "friends" club. We now have 5 Bosses and 2 drones (with only us two drones working.) I am a very efficient Office Manager and have never had a problem with the two different regimes that I have worked for in the ...

‘Performing exceptionally’ and yet shafted again

Dear Office-Politics, I started in a company in a position that reported to the Chief Technology Officer. At first he appeared to take little interest in my role (Quality Assurance Manager), and even though I was told I was performing exceptionally well, after an organizational review I was then demoted and placed under the Operations Manager, who was once my peer. Though hard to take at first, I adjusted and settled in, in the meantime working on getting back up to the position I previously enjoyed. Again, all indicators were telling me I was doing fine. Then another organizational review occurred - with yet another demotion and reporting to an as-yet-unhired manager. I have no interest in staying at a much lower level than what I was hired at. The second demotion was insulting and publicly humiliating, especially since once again I have been "performing exceptionally". Also, my ...

Outranked: target of attacks and backstabbing

Dear Office-Politics, My latest job has proven very dramatic. The scenario: I recently joined a large software company in late august. I was hired by the GM, whom I met through a mutual acquaintance. Here's where it gets complex. Apparently, the former GM had left in march, and the period between April and July saw the firm being run by the senior managers (3 of them). They were each vying for the GM position, and apparently were severely disappointed when this new GM was brought in. Since then, they have been trying all sorts of means to sabotage the new GM. They have depressed sales severely (10% decrease year-on-year), demoralized staff to the extent that the corporate sales force is experiencing a mini exodus every month (35 staff have left in 3 months) and spread all sorts of rumors. It's been a war. Having been brought in by the new GM, I was immediately a ...

Is it OK for owner to flirt with employees?

Dear Office-Politics, A 42 yr old married friend of mine is an owner of a restaurant who tends to flirt with some of his female employees. The flirting can at times contain sexual connotations. Some of the women (as young as 19) will flirt back. Because they do, he feels that it is harmless fun that creates a playful environment that discourages turnover. He also sees it as a way to gain insight into these employees to be better able to "control" them. But I worry that this behavior could backfire too. Not only could it open him up to sexual harassment issues, he hasn't taken into account the motivation for these girls flirting back, and how they may leverage it. Am I overly concerned for him? Is his behavior appropriate because of the response that he gets? Is it more acceptable to flirt with staff in the restaurant business? After all, ...

Testified against Boss, now he wants me fired

Dear Office-Politics, My boss is trying to get me fired. He's the Director and I'm the Assistant Director so we're supposed to work together as a team. I work for government (thank you for your sympathy) and last year there was an investigation on his actions and I was called in to testify even though I had only been there 3 months. Ever since then he has been on my back and lately it has been getting much worse. He has even tried to set me up. He has asked me to prepare a report for every call I made in the last year then says the request came from upstairs. They said he asked for it. It's a constant game of gotcha at work and I'm tired of it. Being in government there aren't a lot of jobs and private sector think you're stupid because ...

Management drags feet to halt bullying

Dear Office-Politics, I work in a fairly small business in which there is little opportunity for growth and a high turnover rate. A mature worker, I have an excellent reputation as a straight up, honest hard worker and have been well liked. However because the demands of my position were so fierce, (24 hour access and nights and weekends required) and this was affecting my health, I volunteered to take a step down, with a cut in both salary and status when an lesser position suddenly opened up in another area. I knew I would share my job duties with one other worker. Management was all for it. I asked my Manager in which role I would be the most useful to the company and was told that I could be of more value in the new role. My new coworker had a sketchy reputation for not being able to ...

The Office-Politics Letters that appears as a feature of this Website are an educational and discussion oriented column designed to help the reader better understand ethical issues. The matters discussed in the letter are reviewed in a summary and abbreviated way and are only meant to foster thinking on the part of the reader. If a person decides to adopt or implement suggestions, they do so at their own risk. No representation or warranty is provided in relation to suggestions or the contents of the advice letter. Neither the authors of the advice letter, Franke James, John W. Burton, Rick Brandon, Marty Seldman, Timothy Johnson, Jennifer Glueck Bezoza, Gregory Ketchum, Erika Andersen, past advisers, guest advisers or the owners of this Website accept any liability whatsoever for any opinions expressed in the letter or for errors and omissions. All submissions to www.officepolitics.com will remain anonymous. No email addresses or identifying names will be published. Submission of letters to the Office-Politics Forum grants the Publisher, Nerdheaven Ltd. the right to reproduce, republish, repurpose and excerpt the submission in any and all other media, without compensation or contacting the author. Copyright The James Gang, Iconoclasts Inc., 2002-2026.