Franke James is Editor/Founder of Office-Politics.com and Inventor of the Office-Politics® Game.

Peter R. Garber has worked as an HR professional for over 25 years and is the author of many business books including: Winning the Rat Race at Work and 100 Ways to Get on the Wrong Side of your Boss.

Dina Beach Lynch, is an Ombudsman, Author and former attorney. An award-winning mediator, Dina served as the Corporate Ombudsman for the 7th largest bank in the US helping over 48,000 employees to resolve workplace issues.

Dr. Rick Brandon is CEO of Brandon Partners. He has consulted and trained tens of thousands at corporations worldwide, including Fortune 500 companies across a variety of industries.

Dr. Marty Seldman is one of America's most experienced executive coaches. His 35-year career includes expertise in executive coaching, group dynamics, cross-cultural studies, clinical psychology, and training.

Arnie Herz, is a lawyer, mediator, speaker, author and consultant nationally recognized for his practical and inspired approach to conflict resolution and client counseling.

Dr. John Burton LL.B. M.B.A. M.Div. Ph.D. is an ethicist, mediator, lawyer and theologian. John is currently located in Prince Rupert, B.C., Canada, working with Canada's aboriginal communities.

I have considered resigning as union president, but believe that would be a "cop out"...

October 2005

Dear Office-Politics,

I really need your help! I have been working for a school district for many years. I am friendly, outgoing, and loyal to my  co-workers and employers. I am a person who genuinely loves my job. Over the years, I have made many friends. One of whom, is now the superintendent. (I became friends with most  of the administrators before they held their current positions.) Because of my friendly relationship with the superintendent, and others,  I am often considered a "suck up". People say that to me in a humorous fashion, but I have no doubt that they are serious. I find myself defending my relationships, although I know I should not have to.

To further complicate the situation, I am currently the president of our union. It is my responsibility to make sure that I represent my unit on all contractual matters. This often means confronting the administration, which of course includes the superintendent, and administrators who I consider friends.

These circumstances make me uneasy for a couple of reasons. First, I do not think that the union completely trusts me, even though I am extremely thorough in representing their concerns, regardless of my relationship with the administration. Secondly, I recently brought an issue to the administration that is capable of stirring up some problems . While I am firm in my convictions that the union's concern is legitimate, I am uncomfortable because I feel that I am damaging friendships with people that I genuinely care about. I truly feel that may be happening...but it could just be my perception.

I have considered resigning as union president, but believe that it would be a "cop out". I know that I am doing a good job representing the union, and bringing up issues that need to be addressed. However,  I don't want to lose valuable friendships.....and I want to be taken seriously by the people I am trying to represent. I feel like I am losing on both ends!

I will be extremely appreciative of any advice that you can offer, as I no longer have a clear perspective on this situation.

Thank you in advance,

Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck in the Middle,

Until recently, I was an active member the club "I Care Too Much About What Others Think Of Me: I Need To Be Liked By Everyone." I realized that the club was terrible for my growth, empowerment, confidence and effectiveness. So, I resigned from this club. If you are a member, I suggest you do the same.

Did you become president through a bloody coup or through an election? If you were elected, then it seems to me the electorate already decided to trust you in light of your close relationships with the administrators. As you already know, having good relations with the administrators can make you much more effective than those that are in a contentious dynamic. As a mediator, one of the essential tasks I undertake is to build good rapport among the players of a conflict. The more everyone likes the others, the better the chance for good constructive resolution. Those that think you accomplish more by maintaining contentious relations are misguided -- in my opinion and experience.

Family dynamics are also instructive about how to stand up for what you want and believe to those you care about. I do it all the time with my wife and kids, and more often they do it with me. The fact that we love each other does not make anyone ineffective in advocating for their position. I wish it did sometimes.

That being said, your Achilles heel is revealed when you wrote: "I recently brought an issue to the administration that is capable of stirring up some problems. While I am firm in my convictions that the union's concern is legitimate, I am uncomfortable because I feel that I am damaging friendships with people that I genuinely care about."

I think you need to get crystal clear on whether or not you can represent the Union's interests 100%. If your discomfort around the possibility of damaging friendships is impairing your advocacy for the Union, then you need to resign or get over it really quick. If your discomfort is not impairing your advocacy then you can stay as president. But you need to closely examine the discomfort to find out if is impairing your ability. Again, the key word is "impair" and your key obligation as president is to the union's interests, not your friendships. I hope this helps clarify things for you. In sum, once you are clear that your advocacy is effective and not compromised, then you will have the strength to stop listening to the "suck up" birds chirping away both inside and outside your head.

The fact that you got to where you are is a sign that you have the ability to be a great president for the union. And posing the question shows that you have both integrity and humility -- a rarity in leadership today.

Interesting, as I have written this response, the words President of the Union kept reminding me of Lincoln. Of course, Lincoln was a great leader with tons of integrity, humility, clarity and courage, and an ability to not be influenced by his innumerable critics. You follow in great footsteps. Good luck and let me know how the advice works in your life.

Thanks for writing to Office-Politics.

Arnie Herz

Arnie Herz, Esq.
Author, LegalSanity
Attorney at Law

Feedback from Stuck in the Middle,

Thank you Arnie and Franke! I want to thank you for the wonderful, thought provoking response to my letter. Your unique perspective has helped to clear up many of my concerns. You have also helped me recognize there are some issues that only I can resolve. My first course of action will to be to turn in my resignation to the "Care too Much/Need to be liked" Club....of which I am a Charter Gold Club member!! LOL

Secondly, I am in the midst of doing some serious soul searching. I realize, now, that the key is to identify and understand my discomfort, and deal with it accordingly. This is obviously a task easier said than done. I believe it may take a little time. I know that in the end I will be a better person, and leader, for my efforts. Thank you for listening to, and understanding my situation. Your excellent advice has given me a solid foundation to work with. I realize the rest is up to me. I will definitely let you know how it all turns out .....once I have figured it out.

Again, I truly appreciate your help. Office- Politics offers an amazing service. I will be sure to refer others, in distress, to your site:-)) Sincerely, "Stuck in the Middle"