Until last year, Kinney herself belonged to the singles constituency. When she became involved in a serious relationship, however, she started seeing less of these people outside of work, and noticed a subsequent drop-off in invites. But because she'd already formed sincere friendships with the singles, she never felt shunned. "Like if I wanted to still go out with them, the door's open."

The hard part? Breaking in. "There are groups made up of people who have been here longer than others, and they aren't very inviting of new people," says Kinney, who admits to being guilty of this in the past.

Patience is a Virtue

According to Karen Foster, Ph.D., how to best go about gaining admission to a group will vary from office to office. Foster, a licensed psychologist and executive consultant with Corporate Psychology Resources, a performance management consulting company split between Seattle and Atlanta, recommends that you start small. Make "a concerted effort to engage at least one person, preferably someone you have found some connection with in the past." By initially solidifying one or two relationships, broader acceptance may occur naturally.

For Lynn Roberts, previously a development director for a Bainbridge Island-based nonprofit, it didn't happen overnight. "It took about four months of sustained friendliness and reaching out to people to build trust and relationship." And tenured employees were the most reluctant, although they did eventually come around. "On the surface, they [new hires] were welcomed, but on a deeper level, there was almost an initiation period where they had to prove themselves, both in terms of work values and willingness to be part of the 'family.'"

James suggests quietly observing, grooming your approach, before taking any action. "You have to get the lay of the land. You have to understand who the players are and what their different agendas are, because you're dealing with people on a lot of different levels," she says. "Ask yourself, 'What's their role in the office?' 'What power do they have to influence change?' 'How are employees relating to one another?'"

An obvious statement, but: Don't forget to try. Herrod mentions a situation wherein an employee got upset about being excluded from the general activities of her work group. Turned out, the snub was largely because this individual didn't make a clear effort to interact with other members of the group, effectively isolating herself. "Sometimes," says Herrod, "if the group is going for coffee, even if you don't want to, you kind of have to go. You have to go to the group as much as you expect the group to come to you."

What's in it for Me?

But wait - back up. Ask yourself, Why was it I wanted to be a part of this group again? In your quest for acceptance, is it possible you've lost sight of this important detail? Make sure you've accurately identified the clique's social currency, reminds Crowley, and decide if you like it. "Some cliques are based on suffering, complaining and commiseration. Recognize this, and if you don't like these things, don't join."

What's tough is when gaining admission stands to help you on a professional level. If earning the trust of a handful of well-connected coworkers - people who may be inclined to speak to your aptitude down the road - appears advantageous, how far do you go? "If they all play golf and you don't, do you learn? There are a number of hurdles to joining in certain activities that might score you an 'in,'" James says. "Sometimes you say, well, this will help me get to know these people on another level, this will benefit me in my career. Because business is personal. The reality is, we like to do business with people we trust."

And if your advances are less than appreciated? Don't 'go tell,' not before taking matters into your own hands anyway. Jansen brought up the woman at her book signing, a woman who admitted to taking her misery straight to the manager. "I would've recommended that she go to each person independently, not as a threesome, and say, 'I want to talk to you about how we can have a better relationship.' I felt bad for her, but she shouldn't have gone to her manager first."

Heart of the Matter

In the end, you may toil on the periphery, either by choice or by sentence. If your distress is just too great, there's always another job. But if you can tough it out, or as Jansen says, "develop a functioning immunity," all the better. Consider it your own one-woman operation. "It's almost like you're giving them [clique members] back what they're giving you: You're excluding them in a way. You're saying 'you're not good enough.'" She continues, "All you can ask for is respect. You don't have to be best friends with everybody, and you probably don't want to be."

Kristen Elde has written for national and regional magazines. Article copyright Kristen Elde, 2006. First published in Seattle Woman Magazine. Reproduced with permission.