"This girl is setting out to make my life as difficult as possible and constantly talks about me behind my back."

Dear Office-Politics,

I really don't know where to begin...though I have a degree, I was never able to find work in my field, so I took a job as an Admin. Assistant with a large firm. Initially, there seemed to be a power stuggle amongst the Admin staff as to 'who would get me'. I chose to spend my time with those that seemed the most down to earth, but as soon as they felt I was settled, I noticed that they talked about everyone behind their backs...this made me weary -- but not weary enough!

One afternoon, I was rushing frantically to finish a report that had been dumped on my desk earlier that day -- I needed to make a copy of something, and when I ran into the copy room, I saw one of my co-horts on the copier. I asked her if she'd mind running a copy off for me -- she coldly told me 'NO". In an attempt to lighten the situation - and admittedly blow off a little steam, I said, "Oh - fo F#$%'s sake." and ran out of the room to use another copier.

I never thought anything of it, but when she refused to aknowledge me over the next couple days, I asked her what's wrong. She informed me that she didn't appreciate my tone. I was shocked. We always swore in general conversation with each other, but I recognized my lack of professionalism and quickly apologized. That was three and a half weeks ago, and she still refuses to address me. To complicate matters, I've been promoted and she's my Admin Support!

I've spoken with my supervisor, and she is aware of the situation, but that hasn't solved a thing. This girl is setting out to make my life as difficult as possible and constantly talks about me behind my back. Help me please!


Sincerely,

Anita Assistance

Dear Anita Assistance,

When you have offended someone the most important thing to do in getting the relationship back on the rails is to give them the opportunity to tell you how they feel about what happened. This is more important than saying you are sorry, which will be heard as superficial unless enough time is given for the aggrieved person to tell you about the impact of the event on them.

My suggestion is that you sit down with your colleague and tell her that you recognize that you truly offended her and that you would like to get the relationship back on track, but to do that you need her to tell you her story of what it was like. When you do so, if she will tell you, listen without defensiveness. Just acknowledge what she has said. You want her to feel that she has been heard. This is not about judging who was right or wrong. Once her feelings are expressed then thelevel of hostility should go down.

If such a meeting feels like it would be difficult for you to do, then ask your supervisor, HR person or someone else who is a neutral person to act as a mediator.

It may seem like making a big deal out of a small incident, but it is for the other person to judge how big or small an offense is, and she has clearly experienced this as something much more significant than you have.

You need to get this aired, since leaving it unattended to will only poison your working relationship, which just got a lot closer.

Good luck with it,

Dr. John

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