"Fight or Flight"

I am tired of being the fall guy, the one who everyone comes to for help, advice, information and assistance, but when it comes to office small talk and socializing, I am excluded. I am also tired of my "whimpy" response to others' slurs and less than flattering comments that come my direction and I let go by! I need tips on how to defend myself - I am over 50 and I am still a "chicken", a "wimp" when it comes to defending myself at the time the "slights" happen. I brood for weeks and build up a wall of anger, but I never let the person know how I feel and so everyone has keyed in on the fact that I am a pushover and they can be as covertly mean and unkind to me as they want, and then ask for a favor or information a day later, and I will accommodate. In fact, a co-worker once described me as "so accommodating". It burns me up! I don't want to be accommodating, I want to learn how to defend myself. But I need dialogue (the right words to say) more so than advice. I have, by the way, a Masters in Counseling and a BA in Social Work, and all my psychology studies has not helped with this problem, perhaps because I am just a "wimp"and "coward" at heart!

If you can offer any new insights or dialogues that I can use when attacked by co-workers covertly or otherwise, I would appreciate it! I feel as if I have no true friends in the office place, just a bunch of people who use me for my creative talents and my writing ability, and having the information they need to do their work. After that - I am a forgotten, excluded, disposable nothing!

Fall Guy

Dear Fall Guy,

I really feel for you. To feel disposable and excluded by the people you work with is pretty devastating. If you feel like this often I strongly urge you to seek professional counselling. You have some issues that need to be dealt with.

Unfortunately it sometimes happens that if we have some expertise we are the last ones to see how it applies to ourselves. Your experience as a counsellor can serve as a guide and support, but it can also act as a barrier to recognizing that you need some counselling yourself.

There are no instant answers, but help is available.

One thing that I would offer as well, is to give up on the notion that you can change who you are and become a rapier sharp wit who can disembowel those who offend you. I've never found that following that temptation is effective. It doesn't even help me feel better.

Two things can be helpful. The first is humour. And it should be light and not an effort at vicious sarcasam. Don't buy into the negative images of yourself, but you can laugh at yourself, or the situation, or the world as a way of deflecting unkind remarks.

A second approach is to state how you feel. As a counsellor you have surely encountered the strategy of making "I" statements. Saying things such as "I feel really hurt when you make fun of me," can be hard to do, but it forces the other person to hear that you are a human being with feelings. My experience is that it is an effective way to take the joy out of their abuse.

Finally you should consult with your firm's HR department or your boss. Make them aware of what is going on and ask for their guidance and assistance. In particular find out if there is an employee assistance plan that can provide you with counselling.

Good luck with this.

Dr. John

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