"Who's Trailing Who?"

I am a 40-something working for a great firm for the last two years. But there are some 20-something women in an office clique, who don't like men, that I think are trying to stab me in the back. I have gotten great reviews at my new firm, to which I came as a trailing spouse. But my last job was a nightmare with some really bad bosses.

I have a hunch from overhearing a phone call from one of the 20-somethings that one of my former bosses may have contacted her to try to stir up trouble.

Part of me wants to check the 20-something's e-mail to see if the old boss is starting something but I know that's begging for trouble. My gut tells me to grit my teeth and not to worry about it unless my boss asks me anything. Is there anything you can recommend?

Trailing Spouse

Dear Trailing Spouse,

First, I'm not sure what a trailing spouse is, so I may not be understanding your situation correctly.

But, if your concern is that a boss for whom you worked two years ago can poison your working relationship with a boss who has given you great reviews for two years, I'd encourage you to calm down. A responsible employer should base her/his decisions on the relevant experience she/he has of you, not on gossip passed through another employee.

I'm a little troubled by your claim that the 20ish women in your office have it out for males. I'm assuming you are a male.

If your assessment is correct, then there is an issue that should be dealt with, perhaps by HR, perhaps by your boss. But such an issue can only be dealt with if there is concrete evidence of inappropriate behaviour. Certainly gossiping about a co-worker with a former employer of that person is such behaviour.

It may be, however, that there is some mutual responsibility for the apparently poor relationship between you and these women. I would urge you to examine your own role in this, perhaps with the help of a trusted friend or colleague who would be willing to give you some honest feedback. If your perception is confirmed and the anti-male behaviour is serious, then you need to consider raising it with your boss or with the HR department. No discriminatory behaviour is acceptable in the workplace.

Best of luck to you,

Dr. John

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