{"id":737,"date":"2009-09-30T12:31:15","date_gmt":"2009-09-30T16:31:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/?p=737"},"modified":"2009-09-30T12:34:56","modified_gmt":"2009-09-30T16:34:56","slug":"our-employee-is-a-friend-but-she-is-turning-into-a-monster","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/our-employee-is-a-friend-but-she-is-turning-into-a-monster\/","title":{"rendered":"Our employee is a friend (but she is turning into a monster!)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Thumb<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Office-Politics,<\/p>\n

Help! My husband and I founded our business together over 25 years ago. We have been actively involved in the business together as partners. I am well qualified with vast business experience, including being a legal secretary. The company grew steadily and was profitable.<\/p>\n

Flash forward: We started a new company when we were swindled out of our former business. Our growth has necessitated hiring more help – 2 friends, and our daughter-in-law. One woman is extraordinarily intelligent, and very capable. She apparently thinks it is her job to run the office completely and seems annoyed whenever I\u2019m involved. She knows that I am her supervisor and \u201cboss.\u201d She has defined part time hours. My husband told her in a joint meeting that she was the office manager (my title) without speaking with me about it.<\/p>\n

I often work at my home office. I\u2019m at the office about 3 times per week to get a \u2018pulse\u2019, and telephone nearly every day. In addition, I have regular meetings with this woman to discuss office issues. She was hired for the job and also to help bring in some fresh ideas.<\/p>\n

We seemed to have created a monster!<\/strong> My husband and I have repeatedly told her she cannot stay past her shift. She does anyway (one to two hours) \u2013 even though the time slot is covered. I was looking forward to an office meeting we were getting ready to have to discuss issues and get comfortable with each other. She had the meeting WITHOUT me. I called her on it, and she told me it will likely happen again \u2013 because she doesn\u2019t \u201cunderstand\u201d my point of view. I have tried to make her recognize that even if she doesn\u2019t agree with the way we do some things \u2013 she still needs to honor my instructions. However, she has disrespected me – challenging my authority and fighting me (in her \u201cnice\u201d way). We had what I thought was a great meeting recently, but the same issues arose again anyway.<\/p>\n

This gets complicated because our husbands are best friends. Although a friend, she is even a closer friend to my husband. They work together every morning, even praying together! My husband refuses to talk about this issue and says it\u2019s \u201cno big deal.\u201d He and this couple are going on a week\u2019s vacation together soon as I stay to run things.<\/p>\n

Thanks much,<\/p>\n

Office Manager\/Boss<\/em><\/p>\n

OFFICE-POLITICS REPLY BY FRANKE JAMES<\/strong>
\n\"franke<\/p>\n

Dear Office Manager\/Boss,<\/p>\n

Running a family business is a double-edged sword \u2013 I know because I\u2019ve run a creative design business with my husband for 20 years. It can be a joy \u2013 because you can be \u201cMaster of your own destiny.\u201d But when employee issues like yours crop up, it can impact your job and your marriage, 24\/7. So you have to find a way to diffuse the situation at work before it wreaks havoc on your romantic relationship.<\/p>\n

To me, the central issue in your letter is power and fairness. You have power as one of the owners of the company, but the employee (let\u2019s call her Hilary) has power too. Before we talk about the power Hilary wields, I\u2019m curious whether you have established an equal partnership with your husband. Are you listed on legal documents as 50% owner of the company? I hope you are! And if you\u2019re not this issue might be the time for you to assert your rights and claim them.<\/p>\n

Based on your statement \u201cMy husband told her in a joint meeting that she was the office manager (my title) without speaking with me about it.\u201d I would say that your husband is viewed by employees as the \u201cBoss.\u201d And that his word is the final one. That doesn\u2019t seem fair, especially if you are equal partners. So what can you do?<\/p>\n

You have to step forward and assert yourself. <\/strong>
\nYou have to tell Hilary, and your husband, that you are not a doormat.<\/p>\n

For example, why on earth is your husband, plus Hilary and her husband going on a week\u2019s vacation without you? Why are you being left to \u201crun things\u201d?<\/p>\n

It seems to me that Hilary is your employee, and she is the one who should be left to run the shop, while you enjoy a vacation. By allowing this threesome to go away together while you mind the shop, you are setting yourself up as the \u201codd man out\u201d. When the trio gets back they will have bonded further. And you may feel resentful. How does this make sense? There must be good reasons why you are not going \u2013 but surely you can find a way to accompany the three of them (or leave Hilary behind). Can\u2019t you hire someone for the week? Or even (and this may be hard to fathom) shut the office for one week while you are on a “company retreat”?<\/p>\n

The threesome\u2019s vacation undermines your power <\/strong>
\nSo aside from the threesome\u2019s vacation \u2013 which is only going to undermine your power — what are your options in dealing with Hilary? By your account she is a problem. Probably if you could wave a magic wand you would fire her. But all employees (even ones we don\u2019t like) have legal rights. If you are thinking of firing her (and are willing to suffer the friendship fallout), you\u2019ll need to build a case that can stand up in court. It doesn\u2019t sound like your husband would support that action \u2013 but if he understood your viewpoint, he might realize that for the happiness of your marriage, Hilary has to go. I don\u2019t think personality conflicts are strong grounds for firing someone, so you\u2019ll want to document through written performance reviews why she is not a suitable employee any longer.<\/p>\n

Flip this problem around <\/strong>
\nBut let\u2019s flip this problem around and think\u2026 Is there a way you can use Hilary to your advantage? You say she\u2019s \u201cextraordinarily intelligent, and very capable\u201d. That would indicate she\u2019s helping your business be more profitable which is in your best interests. But she\u2019s treading on your territory, which makes you annoyed and causes stress all round. So how can you make the most of Hilary and yet enjoy peace and harmony at work and at home?<\/p>\n

One answer \u2013 and this may be difficult for you to consider \u2013 is to let Hilary be the \u201coffice manager.\u201d If you stepped back totally how would that change your life? You\u2019d still be 50% owner. You could maintain the power of decisions on big issues — but you would be free now to do other things. Perhaps you have always dreamed of doing something in life \u2013 developing a hobby into a business, or helping a charity, or learning a new skill\u2026 whatever. This might be the perfect time to make that happen.<\/p>\n

Even if you won\u2019t seriously consider stepping back \u2013 it could be a good negotiating tactic with your husband. The vacation scenario sounds like you are being taken for granted. Has the thought ever crossed his mind that you might not want to stay? The fear of you leaving might make him sit up and take notice \u2013 and work harder to give you equal decision-making power in the office.<\/p>\n

The problem is if you do issue an ultimatum, you have to be willing to walk.<\/strong><\/p>\n

To wrap up: I think your issue is with your husband, not Hilary (you will always have employee issues no matter who you hire). You need to get agreement from your husband that you are equal partners (by law and in practice).<\/p>\n

If you agree with this line of reasoning, I suggest you call a meeting. Ask your husband to speak to Hilary \u2013 with you present \u2013 and let her know that you share power equally. And that your directions carry as much weight as his. And then give her written instructions, with time-lines, deliverables and follow-up meetings to check her performance.<\/p>\n

If you don’t use it, you lose it. <\/strong>
\nIf you are equal partners with your husband, I suggest you exert that power starting now. That “company retreat” might be the opportunity to do just that. It sounds like a nice reward for all your hard work and dedication.<\/p>\n

Here is another reply letter on family politics which you may find helpful: It deals with the classic dilemma: How do you deal with a husband who overrules your directions to staff?<\/em><\/p>\n

Animal training to solve office politics problems<\/strong>
\nhttps:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/?p=314<\/a><\/p>\n

I hope this helps. Please let me know your feedback! Thanks for writing to Office-Politics.<\/p>\n

Franke<\/p>\n

Franke James, MFA
\nEditor & Founder, Office-Politics.com
\nInventor, The Office-Politics\u00ae Game<\/a><\/p>\n

_________________________________________________________<\/p>\n

Franke James, MFA is the Editor & Founder of Office-Politics.com. She is also the Inventor of Dear Office-Politics: the game everyone plays<\/a> a dilemma-based social game that teaches you how to play, and laugh, at office politics. It\u2019s used by HR departments, and corporate trainers worldwide. The Office-Politics Dilemmas have been inspired by the hundreds of letters submitted to Office-Politics.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\"Thumb<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Office-Politics,<\/p>\n

Help! My husband and I founded our business together over 25 years ago. We have been actively involved in the business together as partners. I am well qualified with vast business experience, including being a legal secretary. The company grew steadily and was profitable.<\/p>\n

Flash forward: We started a new company when we were swindled out of our former business. Our growth has necessitated hiring more help – 2 friends, and our daughter-in-law. One woman is extraordinarily intelligent, and very capable. She apparently thinks it is her job to run the office completely and seems annoyed whenever I\u2019m involved. She knows that I am her supervisor and \u201cboss.\u201d She has defined part time hours. My husband told her in a joint meeting that she was the office manager (my title) without speaking with me about it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[528,14,1],"tags":[527,438,26,529,665],"class_list":["post-737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-coaching-employees","category-nepotism-and-family-matters","category-office-politics","tag-dear-office-politics-game","tag-family-politics","tag-franke-james","tag-friends","tag-office-politics"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/737","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=737"}],"version-history":[{"count":23,"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/737\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":760,"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/737\/revisions\/760"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=737"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=737"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.officepolitics.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=737"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}