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Peter R. Garber has worked as an HR professional for over 25 years and is the author of many business books including: Winning the Rat Race at Work and 100 Ways to Get on the Wrong Side of your Boss.

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Arnie Herz, is a lawyer, mediator, speaker, author and consultant nationally recognized for his practical and inspired approach to conflict resolution and client counseling.

Dr. John Burton LL.B. M.B.A. M.Div. Ph.D. is an ethicist, mediator, lawyer and theologian. John is currently located in Prince Rupert, B.C., Canada, working with Canada's aboriginal communities.

A new younger colleague joined our hardworking team... The problem? He seems to expect praise all the time...

	Peter Garber, Author of 100 Ways to Get on the Wrong Side of Your Boss : It is always difficult to give negative feedback to someone whom you have no authority over. It's called influencing without authority. Your situation has been made even more difficult by the fact that this colleague is not receptive to hearing any constructive feedback about his work.

September 2006

Dear Office-Politics,

About a year ago, a new younger colleague joined our small and very hardworking team. He possesses a master's, is multilingual and is most charming.

The problem? He seems to expect praise all the time, and has difficulty dealing with negative feedback. Especially if it's serious or substantive.

As a coworker - not his supervisor, I work closely with him and am having trouble figuring out how to present constructive feedback without alienating him. If I mention any kind of problem with his contributions to projects, he becomes defensive or rolls his eyes and lately has started snapping things like, "Well, I didn't memorize it!"

Several times, I've just accepted work he's contributed and then gone ahead and fixed it. However I don't think this approach is fair to this colleague or me. This colleague is capable of learning quickly and advancing within our company, if he would listen better and follow through more carefully. My workload is too large to allow me to do my work and another person's.

Recently when we've met to discuss projects we're collaborating on, when I've needed to discuss ways his contributions could be improved or need to be improved, instead of simply pointing out problems, I've tried to maintain a discussion. By asking questions along the lines of "What do you think about this aspect of the project?" and "What was your reasoning behind using these criteria?", I've tried to engage this person in a more in-depth way and get him to see the logic driving various decisions involved in projects. I've hoped he'd feel more ownership of projects and thus want to contribute with higher-quality work.

But regardless of how I've tried presenting constructive feedback, the response - expressed through words or body language - has stayed the same. What I hear is that this colleague's work is good enough and the problem is that I'm a perfectionist.

At this point, I feel that when trying to speak with him about any kind of problem, I verge on the obsequious. Also I feel like I've become scared of this person, who has publicly made a big deal of my having shared feedback in a way he found disrespectful, but who in my opinion does not listen or behave respectfully when in private meetings with me.

This person and I are both US-born, so I don't think cultural differences are at play. My honest assessment is that this person belongs to the "Gen Me" generation and that we don't share the same work values.

Regardless of what's causing the communication difficulty, I want to overcome it. I like this person, am glad to have him on the team, and want us to work together better (and for him to work more thoroughly and carefully).

What steps can I take to improve the situation?

Thanks for keeping my identity secret and not identifying me publicly. Your help will be appreciated.


Not charmed

Dear Not charmed,

It is always difficult to give negative feedback to someone whom you have no authority over. It's called influencing without authority. Your situation has been made even more difficult by the fact that this colleague is not receptive to hearing any constructive feedback about his work. In fact, he has even taken measures to turn this feedback against you.

This is a tough situation to be sure. I'm wondering how others feel about this guy? Are they just as frustrated as you? If so, this situation may get addressed on its own without your direct involvement so you don't have to be the "bad guy" so to speak. Here's what it sounds like is the real problem. This guy shows up a year ago, charms his way out doing any real work, won't accept any feedback about his lack cooperation and you get stuck fixing everything he messes up. You could try to address this problem by one of the following approaches:

1. Try to help him be more accurate in his work by giving him subtle assistance. You could even do this subliminally by reinforcing his good ideas and efforts and ignoring his efforts that aren't so good. It sounds like he wouldn't have any problems taking credit for your good ideas either consciously or unconsciously.

2. You could let him fall on his face by not helping him and just let him continue being himself. It seems that someone else higher up in the organization is bound to recognize what he's doing. If you take this approach you need to make sure that it doesn't backfire on you by making sure that you can document that you did your job correctly.

3. Go on record by stating that everyone on your team is pulling his or her weight and make him feel guilty if he doesn't do his part and work cooperatively with others.

However, a word of caution - he may have already charmed the higher ups in the organization to think that he is best thing that ever happened to the organization and is carrying the workload for all of you. If this is the case, and none of the above works for you, then you may have to bury the hatchet and learn to work with his mediocre work, unwillingness to accept feedback and pettiness. In your letter you say that you like this individual and want to communicate better with him. If this is the case, then you will need to put the problems you have had in the past with this individual behind you, accept things the way the are with this guy and move ahead.

Thanks for writing to Office-Politics.

Regards,

Peter

Peter Garber, Author
100 Ways to Get on the Wrong Side of Your Boss

Feedback from Not Charmed:

Thank you very much! Straightforward, practical advice that I'm studying and will seek to apply. I really appreciate you taking the time to consider my imbroglio and for writing me.

Office-Politics Review: 100 Ways to Get on the Wrong Side of Your Boss

100 Ways to Get on the Wrong Side of Your Boss by Peter R. Garber is an entertaining and humorous read designed to help you improve your relationship with your Boss. Garber, who is the author of over 40 books, draws on his 25-years experience as a Human Resources Professional, to give readers ‘tips on how to deal with difficult bosses’. He says, “The challenge is to find ways to deal with even the most difficult bosses you may have to work for during your career.” Read the full review